From the Office of the Reproducer-General

Bulletin: Sex and Economics — A Modest Proposal

Fellow citizens: Our nation’s sex life is in peril.

Surveys show widespread sexual discontent. Market failure is everywhere. Many males complain of not getting enough sex and many females object to constant male looks and advances. Other males are dissatisfied with the options available in their local area and other females are upset at not having attracted male attention. Yet while supply and demand are out of equilibrium and the current system of laissez-faire is not producing acceptable measures of sexual happiness and prosperity — we continue to hear that the invisible hand will solve all of our problems.

Consider also the wastefulness of our system of sexual anarchy. How much economically valuable time is spent on the prowl? How many meals eaten by dating couples at pretentious restaurants — only to lead nowhere? All of those flowers and chocolates and cards — are they truly necessary? Much of the system seems designed to enrich the Restaurant Industry and the Hallmark Corporation at the expense of the Rest of Us. And consider the constant advertising of enticing but mostly useless or distasteful products and services.

Further: Many individuals do not know where to go to find partners or lack the initiative and resources to partake. Would a nudge in the right direction from expert leadership not be helpful to many?

And sex is so unfair. Some get much more than others. They monopolize the dating scene or have guaranteed spousal access while others get fewer and less appetizing partners or nothing at all. Some redistribution seems morally imperative.

And so messy. So many fights. Such jealousy and envy and destructive competition. So much hostility, seething anger, passive-aggressiveness, and hurt feelings. Externalities impose large costs on the rest of society — we hear a constant chorus of pain from our neighbors, our co-workers, our friends and family members. And that is not even to mention the variety of sexually-transmitted diseases that plague our social health. We need a system of controls to internalize and ameliorate these social costs or a system of compensation. Common sense and justice demand it.

Further: Consider all of the dishonesty and cheating. “He said he would call.” “Her internet ad said she was tall.” “He said he was bowling with the guys at the mall.” We need stricter regulation of negotiations, commitments, and contracts.

nut-and-bolt-209x150Birth control is improperly applied. Reproductive rates are erratic. Sometimes our population is too large, and sometimes it is too small. How can we plan for the future when Junior’s coming into existence is often the result of Billy and Maggie’s being drunk and closing down the bar on Saturday night? And how likely is Junior to receive the proper care he needs to develop into a useful citizen?

We must also consider foreign policy. Sexual tourism is booming. Meanwhile, many individuals import their sexual partners. Yet while commerce with foreigners is flourishing, many potential domestic partners are forced into abstinence. The outsourcing of sexual satisfaction is a net social drain, and the importing of enticing sex agents causes unfair competition with local service providers. At a minimum, we should consider a system of import-export restrictions, tariffs, and perhaps subsidies in the public interest.

We call ours a system of “freedom,” but how can people be free when they are in the grip of sexual drives they cannot control or have not the wherewithal to satisfy in a healthy and socially harmonious manner?

To summarize. Our current system of individual so-called freedom is plagued by:

* Inequalities and monopolies.
* A mis-allocation of resources and wastefulness.
* Import-export imbalances.
* The inability of our less-endowed citizens to meet their needs.
* The improper use of our resources by the irresponsible.
* Many externalities.
* General dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

We all know the importance of sexuality to our great society. Sex is both a need and a right. The future of our entire way of life literally depends on the sexual health of our nation.

Consequently, I propose upgrading the Office of the Reproducer-General to cabinet-level status. We need a system of expert guidance for our citizens in their sexual lives. Help for those who cannot help themselves. An end to monopolies and sexual dog-eat-dog competition. A reallocation of reproductive resources in a socially just manner. A benevolent nudge for those who sexual appetites are not aligned with the science of true sexual health and happiness.

And do not neglect to vote for me again in the referendum next election.

This announcement is sponsored by the O.R.G. Please direct all inquiries to the Office of the Reproducer-General, Assistant for Sexual Matters.

Respectfully transcribed and submitted by Stephen Hicks, Recorder of the Office of the Reproducer-General.
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