When I was young, I believed in freedom and self-responsibility. Over the years, my professional colleagues have insisted that attitude is not in keeping with state-of-the-art public policy. They have taught me that leadership requires the use of any and all legislative tools to solve society’s problems.
Bowing to their collective wisdom, here is my modest contribution to solving our most frowny-face-inducing crisis: our sorry public finances.
Step 1: Legalize all intoxicating substances.
Step 2: Ban contraceptives.
Step 3: As a result, sex while intoxicated will increase. (That’s the fun part.)
Step 4: Consequently, birth rates will increase among the young, and old people will die sooner from drugs, alcohol, and heart attacks. (That’s the un-fun part, but you can’t make an omelet …, etc.)
Step 5: Within a generation, more taxable youngsters will enter the work force, and fewer pension-spending oldsters will be around to drain the public purse.
Step 6: Government revenue will thus increase, and government expenditures will decline.
Step 7: Rejoice that our financial problems have been solved.
(Possible bonus Step 8: we can borrow now against the anticipated higher future tax revenues and spend now the anticipated pension savings. But I don’t want to push unreasonably.)
My plan is not only theoretically impeccable but politically feasible. Step 1 will please the liberals and Step 2 the conservatives — something for everyone — thus enabling a bi-partisan effort to pass the required legislation.
Is it too late for me to run for office this year?